…I remember how we met…well not exactly, but it was on Facebook. You’d sent me a friend request. We had no mutual friends, and you didn’t have a picture of yourself. Typically, I’d decline such requests, but something made me accept yours. I’ll say it was destiny; that I’m thankful for.
We got chatting…you were doing an IT placement offshore, while I was in a transient phase – finished high school, but not yet in uni. I had a lot of time on my hands and a lot of that was spent chatting with you. I still remember my SMS ringtone (Break Up – Sean Paul) from all the back and forth messages we shared…Facebook messenger too. We met soon after and I remember making a conscious effort not to ask what happened to you. It took me months to ask and when I finally did, you answered that it was vitiligo. First time I ever heard of it; all the while, I thought it was from a fire incident. Talking to you in person was just as easy as chatting with you was. Now that I think about it though, how on earth did I allow a Facebook friend come visit me at home?
Your visits became regular…you had a car, so you’d come by my house or my cousin’s…sometimes unannounced. I remember when you just decided to visit and you texted me that you were outside…I was having a major hangover and getting out of bed and being out in the daylight was the last thing I wanted to do. Somehow, you convinced me to come outside…we sat in your car and I heard the song ‘Invincible’ by Muse for the first time. As it turned out, we shared a similar taste in music. I remember listening to a Tracy Chapman song in your car and talking about how I loved ‘his’ voice, only to find out that it was a female singer lol! I’m still waiting for my song mix.
We had a thing…it was never really defined as a relationship, but it was a thing…and we had our routine too. You’d come over, more likely than not, there was no light so we’d just chill in the house talking about random things…and maybe making out lol! It was then that you introduced me to Grey’s Anatomy because I used to complain about being bored. It was also then that I allowed you read my journals…when I was sorting out my uni admission, you were there to take me to the cyber cafes when needed…you forced your way into my life, not in an obtrusive way, but in a ‘I really want to get to know you’ way…for that I’m thankful. It’s not easy for me to let down my guard, but you figured it out.
I guess it was your sincerity that made it so easy for me to open up to you. I used to get into all sorts of ‘girl, what were you thinking!!!’ moments, sometimes over and over again. You were the one I could talk to when I needed someone to hear me. I’d have arguments with my mum and I’d rant to you about it…you’d calm me down and then point out where I was wrong. You always meant well. For the entire time I knew you, you never used anything I’d done or told you about against me. Never ever…for that I’m also thankful.
I remember fussing over you because you’d drive while drunk and always get me worried whenever you said you were out. Dude, life is short! You have people that love you and care for you. Why are you being so reckless?! Those were things that I’d say to you. Then I’d get upset with you for getting me worried lol! You had a few accidents too. Then you grew out of that. But still, did you know then that life was indeed short? Was that why you were so chilled about everything?
Our undefined relationship thing didn’t last long, but it transcended. I remember the first time I realized that I love you. As usual, you’d somehow made me come out of the house and we drove to see someone. We were waiting outside and you came out of the car and stood by the passenger’s side where I was. There was a look and a smile. It was then.
Our friendship wasn’t always easy. There were moments of silence from both parties, but one of us would always find a way to get in touch with the other. I remember having to find and add your sister on Facebook just to reach you lol! Eventually, we accepted our bond. You were my best friend, you were to be my chief bridesmaid (complete with the heels) and I was going to be your best man. Of course we were going to be each other’s kid’s godparents.I couldn’t imagine an alternate future…but now here we are. I remember when I was freaking out because I thought I was pregnant (for the umpteenth time) and your response to me was that you were ready to be an uncle. Definitely not what I wanted to hear then, but I wish I could hear you say that now. I wasn’t going to church and I said it was because I wasn’t driving, so you’d come to mine to take me to church with you. Then I told you I preferred a different church so you went there with me instead. That became our thing too…you always had my back and for that I’m thankful.
I was mad at you because you of all people did not wish me a happy birthday. I mean, how dare you not?! Later found out that you had collapsed and you were in the hospital. Apparently, that was the beginning of the end, but it didn’t seem so then. You were getting treatment, you were going to be okay. You weren’t always able to use your phone, but I always spammed you with random messages and voice notes about my day to day life…as usual. Now I wish I had made an extra effort to see you when you told me you were in transit for a few hours in Abu Dhabi. I was busy chauffeuring my mum and nephew and I figured I will see you again. I spoke with you while you were in India and you were your usual joking self. How could I have thought otherwise?
I remember the day W called to tell me you were gone. I’d woken up that morning with the blues, and I went to workout thinking it would get my spirits up. Nothing prepared me for that moment though. That was it…I never got to say goodbye. I couldn’t even make it to your funeral…You were my personal person, but I didn’t realize how much so until you were gone and I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. Who would listen to me now? I’d try to talk to people but the words just hung at the tip of my tongue because they just did not understand. So I became silent. You KNEW me…it is from what we shared that I realized what it meant when the avatars said “I see you”. Sure, we’d fight and infuriate each other, but it never lasted long. This feeling of loneliness has been hovering over me…and three years later, my heart still breaks, I still cry sometimes and I’m realising that I’ve been angry at the world ever since. I’m still yet to visit where you lay…I’m still kind of hoping that ghosts are real or that I can dream of you so that we can at least talk again.
Now, all I’m holding on to are the memories we had, songs and places that remind me of you. Your belly laugh, the distinct way you pronounced my name, the love you had for your family, especially your mum, your skinny self with your non-existent butt that I loved to tease you about, how you became friends with my friends, your mischievous ways, always causing trouble with women, your smile with your gap-teeth, your eyes…
I pray that you are indeed resting in peace, you and your father…watching over your sisters and mother. I’m extremely grateful that we were friends…and for what you taught me of love and friendship – loyal, caring, forgiving, never judging and being there.
Sun re Adami, but I miss you.
differentshadesofbrown 