This skin of mine didn’t always fit. Perhaps it did at some point, but things happened…verbal and physical experiences that displaced me from my core. Erased who I knew I was; made me numb.
So I tried many things, tried to be many things, but there was always a gap.
So I ran from myself. Poured all my attention outwards because I couldn’t bear facing what I could not understand. The me that was a familiar stranger.
What I wanted for myself, what I really should have been to myself, I started to expect them from others. Projecting unto them and then getting frustrated because they didn’t meet up to my expectations.
I saw the greatness in others, but never in myself. Who was I to be? To exist in this space, to be seen and heard? I became my own worst enemy, tearing myself down before others could get to me. Anticipating and then testing all the attack scenarios, so I could brace myself against them. It was my light that scared me the most. Now I look back and think, “girl, just be”.
All these years breaking myself down, yet surviving were the same years that built the strength with which I stand now.
I lived a life of fear, wanting to be accepted, but thinking that I was never good enough.
…then I found my peace with God. It took a while to realize that the same God I was taught to fear, and tried so hard to please, did not what all of those things for me. He wants to give me peace in place of anxiety. He wants to assure me that He is here for me, never leaving me or forsaking me, not fear Him. He wants me to love like He does, with my heart wide open instead of guardedly behind the walls that I spent years building. He wants me to shine to His glory and He has given me gifts that only I can use in the way that He has intended for me…and He wants to show me how through His Spirit placed in me.
Jesus Christ did not pay the price and die on the cross for me to carry on with shame and guilt. With His last breath He said, “It is finished”. So I shall no longer live in bondage. I shall live freely, seeking each day to be closer to my Father. To understand and to love Him more. To live according to His will and purpose for me.
Yes. I feel the gap closing up. Now I don’t run. I walk, taking my time to explore each area of my life. My joys, my flaws, my quirks, enjoying and fully embracing all that I am.
I may still have my reinforced walls surrounding me. I may still mentally clench my fists, all muscles tensed when I sense an intrusion. I may still not know how to differentiate between an intrusion and a genuinely friendly face. I may still feel overwhelmed and weirded out by human interactions. I may still default to dark, morbid thoughts. I may still slide comfortably backwards into lust. It’s one battle at a time, but I know that I am victorious, and it will all end in praise.
differentshadesofbrown 