This weekend I came to a realization about my perspective of loneliness. I’d describe myself as a lone wolf; I’m an introvert and I typically like to be left to my own devices. Even though I don’t always enjoy that, I find that I still feel lonely sometimes, when I’m with other people.
Needless to say, I hardly ask for help with anything personal (outside of that, I’m usually proactive in asking) and I think that I don’t understand interactions and relationships as I should.
The (sort of) backstory
Before I moved to a new country, I figured that my high school bestie who’d been living there will be my guide and I went through the ranges of emotions – disappointment, anger and then understanding – when she didn’t respond as I expected her to. So I decided to remove any further expectations and carry on with figuring things out on my own when I moved. Then a few days after I arrived, I fell ill. I was alone and scared that it might be something serious. So I texted her to ask about hospital options. She called, saying she was already on her way to work, but her husband will pick me up and take me to a hospital. Thankfully it was nothing serious, and she kept checking on me throughout the day. I was so touched by their kindness and how they went out of their way for me. So later that day, we had a conversation about my feelings before I moved and she let me know that it wasn’t as I thought.
It was a similar story with another friend from way back that I somehow lost touch with.
The realization
On Sunday while I was in the shower, it hit me. I keep thinking in my mind that people don’t want to have anything to do with me so I stay in my lane, but I wasn’t on the outside looking in; I was on the inside looking out. I’d build walls around myself as self-defense strategy, never fully opening up, rarely allowing myself to be vulnerable, skirting around the edges of interactions to be safe. Then sit back and wonder I feel so alone. I realized that I was still afraid of getting hurt. Scared that I will be rejected by the people I want to love. I’ve been alone in my head for so long that silence/inaction from someone I care about is interpreted as rejection.
Then I went to church and guess what the topic of the sermon was? Loving others and not just the people we share similarities with or the ones that are easy to love…we don’t get to choose. It was what Jesus commanded, “Love each other in the same way I have loved you.” (John 15: 12 – NLT)
To love sacrificially like He did. Taking away those walls to allow myself to be fully seen and so I can fully see around myself too. Knowing that I might get hurt reaching out, but doing it anyway because that is love. Knowing that caring for people means giving my all, not holding back. Knowing that people that I care about might not always be there for me in the way I expect them to, but loving them still, not shutting them out. Understanding, not judging or assuming.
So maybe this is part of God’s plan for me. Leaving my comfort zone where I could get away with not needing anyone and being here in a strange place where I need to open up to others.
So in the words of the song at the end of the service, I declare that:
I will build my life upon God’s love – letting it be an example of how to love
It is a firm foundation – so I am assured of my safety beyond my self-made walls
I will put my trust in God alone – because I know He will guide me as I need to go
And I will not be shaken
Fill me with Your heart, Lord
and lead me in Your love to those around me – so I can love just as You want me to
Amen
differentshadesofbrown 