What do you do when you have nothing but time to reflect and get all up in your feelings? Exactly that.
In the past few weeks, I have faced up to truths I tried so hard to avoid. In fact, I tried so hard that I convinced myself they couldn’t possibly be the truth. But in the end, you really can’t lie to yourself forever…you can only bury it deep.
I loved a man once…it was the first time I’d properly been in a relationship and it was a beautiful experience. I felt seen, heard, loved and cared for. But it didn’t last. We fit so right in so many ways, but in others, I just couldn’t come to terms with the adjustments I’d have to make. So I ended things…then we got back together…then I ended things again. At that time, I thought it was for good, but even after our on-and-off relationship ended, and without realizing it, I carried him around like a ghost in every relationship I had after that. Not really there, but there.
I wasn’t comparing every other guy I dated to him in a physical sense but in the dynamics of the relationship. He was not in any way perfect, but he was one of the only two people in my life who made me feel seen, heard, cared for and loved. I didn’t realize how hard that was to find until I found myself repeatedly jumping into relationships and just as quickly jumping out of them. Nope, doesn’t fit the same. Instead of taking my time to acknowledge the pain and loss I felt from the first relationship, and heal from it, I just kept distracting myself with other ones.
I didn’t go into those other relationships consciously thinking they were distractions. I really thought I was good and ready. I really thought I was in love with my partner at the time. But then, as always, I’d realize that getting into a relationship because the other person showed interest for me does not work. I’d see that some people should have just been friends, not boyfriends. That I really need to take my time in getting to know people first before dating them. That the things that I thought I loved about them really didn’t exist. That I wasn’t willing to settle for less than what I know I can have. That I still missed my first relationship.
And this is the part where I feel bad. I irresponsibly engaged with other people’s emotions. I told you I love you and most likely planned out a possible future with you. I believed it then; I know now that it wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t ready and what you guys really deserve is someone who fully wants to and is able to love you as you are. Not someone who considers the time with you while thinking to herself, “I shouldn’t have done that”. To all the guys I thought I loved, I’m really sorry for the pain I caused you.
When you don’t learn from your mistakes, you keep making them until you do. Now I’m going to have a baby with a man I thought I was in love with, but now I’m quite content to be apart from. It was a square peg in a round hole situation right from the start. I’d have seen that if I was patient enough. Could have been worse I guess…could have been married to someone that I do not deeply care for or truly love.
So here I am, airing out my emotions because ghosts and shadows thrive in dark spaces. The first part of solving a problem is acknowledging that there is one. I’m a person-who-never-got-over-an-ex-and-spent-years-serially-dating-to-curb-the-loneliness-she-subconsciously-felt. There, I said it! What I’m looking for won’t be found by looking back into the past, and trying to flesh out ghosts…and I’m done kicking and burdening myself with regret. I really pray I’ve learned my lesson this time and I’m now facing forward. Truly healing and moving on. To be more responsible with my emotions and those of others. There’s light at the end of every tunnel, and this little human growing inside of me, that’s my light.
differentshadesofbrown 