During the pandemic years, one phrase I heard a lot of, was “be kind”. It seemed simple and straightforward enough. Do something nice for someone and all is well…but I feel that there are different levels to being kind and I’ll share my thoughts as a series of scenarios.
A while ago, I was at a grocery store and I saw someone on a mobility device trying to reach something. I walked up to them, asked if I could help, and after a momentary look of surprise?/hesitation? they said yes and I passed the item to them. I walked away feeling that “I’ve done something nice” glow, but that momentary look had me thinking. This probably wasn’t their first time shopping and what if they valued their independence and preferred not to be assumed to be needing help? Is it kindness to do something for someone just because it makes you feel good?
I read a news article about a calf that had to be euthanized at a National Park because a park visitor had touched it in an attempt to help it move along with its herd quickly. However, because of that, its herd shunned it and the calf had to be put down. The park visitor probably meant well, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I feel like it’s the same concept as what’s typically referred to as the “white-savior complex”. Is it a kindness to (offer) help without understanding what is needed?
During my days on Twitter (when it was still called that), I came across a thread and the story was about the person’s father and an employee. The employee had approached the poster’s father for financial assistance to get a place, and because the father knew the employee was planning to get married, he offered to sponsor that instead. Soon after, the employee approached the father again asking for money to get a place and the poster considered the person to be ungrateful and greedy. The poster figured that the employee should have used whatever amount he had saved for his wedding for his apartment. I get that, but I also wondered, did the employee have the wedding celebration because it was sponsored, but what he really needed was a place? Is it a kindness to give people what (we think) they (should) want over what they need?
An animation I’d seen quite often on social media was of different types of animals about to take a test, and the test was for them all to climb a tree. It was obvious that some were going to have an advantage, and there were others who would never be able to pass the test no matter how hard they tried. So, is it a kindness to ask the same of, or to want the same for everyone without considering if it suits their abilities/purpose?
I was going to get something for myself, and someone asked to get it for me. I sent the link, and when they brought a different model of what I wanted, I mentioned that it wasn’t what I expected. The person seemed hurt and I tried to explain that I wanted the model I chose for specific reasons. Should acts of kindness come at the cost of the receiver’s preference?
Is it a kindness to keep people dependent on you? Sure you might have to give a person a fish while teaching them how to fish, but shouldn’t the goal be independence? One is the kindness that helps you survive, but the other helps you thrive.
On social media, when people share their distress, there are often comments with people saying things like, “I’m here for you” or “Feel free to reach out”. Is it a kindness to offer something you probably can’t give, and probably hope the person never needs?
These thoughts are not to discourage acts of kindness, but to maybe give it more thought. To be aware that some situations may need more understanding. What is the goal? If you’re being kind to yourself, are you able to figure out and vocalize what you need? If you’re being kind to someone else, are you able to put your expectations/preferences aside to focus on theirs? Is the goal to help get someone what they need or to know you’ve done something?
I think that our relationship with the person we intend to help changes the kindness dynamics. A random stranger giving you something you don’t need feels like a nice gesture, but when you’re in need of something and those who are close to you offer you something different, it feels more like a “you should know better”. Getting to know those you are helping/being kind to, outside of their circumstances can give you a better understanding of what they need. Of course, it’s not realistic to try to build a relationship with everyone you meet or want to help. So, do your acts of kindness because you want to, but know that your good intentions might sometimes miss the mark; it doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, or the receiver ungrateful.
differentshadesofbrown 